superdaintykate: (Default)
[personal profile] superdaintykate
He's gone.

His decline was steady. He moved back to the nursing facility, and then he refused all treatment, including lung suction. A few days ago (Monday?) they started morphine for him. I called Mom to tell her and had to explain to her what that meant. She broke down, then, and asked if she should send him cards or letters, and I told her I didn't think she had time to send them, that she should call if she wanted to tell him she loved him. I spoke to his fiduciary Monday? Tuesday? and he said that Brother's lungs were obviously filling with fluid. I called the nursing home every day to leave a message for him; yesterday, the nurse I spoke to was pretty short with me. I imagine it was hard for her to see him like this. She said he was conscious; he had stopped talking as of a few days ago, because he just couldn't, anymore.

Tuesday night I couldn't stop hearing the Archies song "Sugar Sugar" in my head; Rob had it on a cereal-box record and when my Dad had called him to tell him I had been born, he went and played it.

I didn't sleep much Tuesday night, waiting for the Call.

Last night I got hammered on hard cider and slept a little despite myself. I woke up and got ready for work and put on my hamza necklace and evil-eye bracelet. I don't know why.

My friend emailed me this morning to tell me she'd had a dream about him last night. That he loved me so much, in the dream, and he was happy and relaxed and comfortable.

I called the facility today around three o'clock, for an update and to leave a message, and no one answered the phone at the nurse's station. Mom called around four or four-thirty, to leave a message for him, finally, and she said the nurse she spoke to sounded sad.

I got the call just after five, and he had died maybe fifteen minutes previously.

I oscillate. Sometimes I am desparately sad, sometimes I am relieved, to know he's not suffering anymore, and sometimes I am numb and in shock, a little. And sometimes I am okay.

Going to wait until tomorrow to email my nephews, to make sure they have all gotten the news from their brother.
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November 2013

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